Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I can't believe its been almost a year since I've posted. I can't believe I qualify for food stamps.

Its not that I haven't had anything to say. Its just that I've been too beaten down to say it. Pathetic I know.
Well, I'm back and I'll start over.
My Business went under in February. Underemployed and paranoid I was informed today that I qualify for food stamps. FOOD FUCKING STAMPS! Its a bit overwhelming, but I can't seem to get a real job and while it makes me feel like a total loser to admit that, I really like eating. It's supposed to make it ok that the entire country's economy is in the toilet but I'm a 36 year old woman who is attractive, talented, has not 1 but 2 college degrees and a stellar personality and I can't get a job. Not even an $8.00 an hour job, let alone one that will pay for my Whole Foods habit or pay all those student loans back. So tomorrow I will go get in line.
To make myself feel better about taking assistance from government programs I don't particularly support or believe in, I am telling myself that its ok because despite my beliefs I have been paying into the system for the last 22 years of working. I have NEVER been without a job in 22 years. Until now. Can you believe it? I so take pride in supporting myself. Additionally I also enjoy giving freely to others. (Not because the government makes me, but because I LIKE to and WANT to help friends and others in my community) I will keep telling myself this as I stand in line tomorrow to get that free food money.
I'm not sure what else to say about that. I really like food.
Free food is good too.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm not Scared!

After all, whats there to be afraid of?
The Republic we all once knew and loved will be fine when the dollar crashes and we join up with the rest of the Euro carrying world. We'll be tracked, printed and face scanned at every airport -- for our own safety. The electric company will be able to turn of our ac mid day in August when its 110 degrees because we are using too many carbon credits and we can't pay more for premium energy -- its better for the earth that way. We'll all be forced to have health insurance or pay a half a million dollars in fines if we get sick and don't have it. That way everyone is insured :) and since we'll have no choice in health care because it will all be government run...I'm sure that will mean our care is better right? I wonder if all the world leaders will be using the same doctors we will? I'm sure they will...after all only the best for them right? I'm very secure in the fact that vaccines won't give my child scars, mercury poisoning, or worse Austism. Not to mention S.I.D.S. I'm glad we'll be required to be shot up with whatever vaccine of the year they decide is ok..like that one they were going to require for HPV...to keep us from getting cancer. For all the women of FERTILE age (between the ages of 14 and 35). Perfect. Child bearing aged women should be shot up with a vaccine that may or may not keep them from getting afrom a virus that may or may not cause cancer and usually heals itself. Oh! and which may or may not kill you when you get it. The government says they are safe and I feel safe. Don't you? I'll feel even safer when the take my guns away (for my own safety) and all my food is genetically modified to be beautiful and lack nutrients.
Oh freedom...where have you gone? Aww hell it doesn't matter. At least I have my government to protect me. Thanks government. You rock.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The ten secret lives that live only in my heart...and some other wierd shit I won't post on facebook.

So on Facebook everyone has to fill out the damn 25 things questionnaire.
This one is more a fantasy 25 things...but its really only 10

1. Caffeine makes me horny. (This is the simplest and most truthful this list will be)
2. I secretly wish I was a housewife and stay at home mom.
3. In the same vein as #2 sometimes I secretly wish I was a sheeple and that I didn't believe in freedom. That way I could be fine with just getting up, going to work, paying my taxes, cooking dinner for my family, watching tv and going to bed and not have this nagging tension that this country is becoming a fascist police state where they will be shortly coming to take me away based on my internet usage, sexual orientation and choice to listen to consipiracy theory radio.
4. There is a place in my heart that wants to live completely alone, in a one room apartment over a coffee shop facing the ocean where all of my stuff is just mine, where the furniture matches, the dishes are always washed and the house smells like a mix of vanilla and ocean breeze.
5. There is another place in my heart that wishes I was a rogue lesbian biker chick that lived on the road and spent her days camping out, telling fortunes and seducing hot women.
6. Sometimes I want to move back to the North East and spend all my off time with my sister, my neice and my mother.
7. I'd like to be an alcoholic or a drug addict so everyone excuses me for being a complete asshole and I don't have to take any responsibility for my life.
8. Sometimes I wish I never let my ex wife break up with me, I know I could've kept it together if I'd just have insisted.
9. While I mostly Identify as a lesbian, I'm super hot for wirey dark haired men about 40 with grey hair growing in their stubble and deep languid knowing eyes, crows feet and motorcycles. They must be wearing faded jeans and a black tshirt. Must have a slightly tortured soul and a heart of gold. ugh.
10. Sometimes I wish I still got high every morning like I did when I was 17, at pizza, pasta alfredo and cheeseburgers all day, and spent my evenings with my long haired hippie boyfriend listening to him play guitar on the beach.
11. Sometimes I wish Frank wanted to marry me, that we would have a big wedding and show the world how its supposed to be done - We'd also have a huge party and a month long honeymoon to Europe AND carribean.

Apparently...I'm in a bit of an escapist mood. Fuck it. If you know me at all you know my life rocks and that is EXACTLY as I want it to be. My man mate is a dream. My business is a sure success and I have created everything I could ever want. Sometimes even the perfect life needs a little vacation I guess - even if its only a vacation of the mind. Oddly in looking back over this list...I've had all of these things in one form or another (minus the motorcycle - I've yet to have that part) at one point or another in my life. Maybe I'm just missing the parts I grew out of - just missing the little parts of me I've let go.

Peace -

Friday, April 17, 2009

Momentary Lapse of Vegan

If you were paying attention, and hung on my every word, you'd know that Frank and I decided to become Vegan at the beginning of this year. We committed to the first quarter of 2009 to "see how it would go". And we did it. Successfully. In fact it went so well we decided to continue on indefinitely.

One of my goals becoming vegan (among other things) was to lose some weight. Note that I have not lost one single pound in three months (actually 4 now). NOT ONE SINGLE POUND. And I've got about 20 to go. (in fantasy land 20, probably 10 would thrill me at this point) Even though I haven't lost a pound, however I've been feeling pretty good on my new vegan diet and I love the influx of vegetables and fresh fruits I've had in my life. However.. I don't love the influx of soy and carbs. Soy is evil, and if you want to know more about that, let me know and I'll do another post on it...in the meantime..back to my blathering about being fat.
It could be a lot of things. Stress makes you hold weight, and I'm pretty stresed out most of the time since I work 12 - 14 hour days. Or it could be lack of sleep...another thing that makes your body think its in crisis mode. It might be my colossal lack of excercize. That would make sense, or, YOU might think its because I eat like a pig. The truth is Y'all I do eat like a pig. Constantly shoving Something in my face. I may have an oral fixation they tell me since I quit smoking several years ago. However, even if I am eating like a pig, I am no longer eating things like cheese, cream, butter, burgers, and fries like a pig. Now I'm eating brown rice, and avocados, and broccolini, fruit, kale, beans and quinoa like a pig. Wouldn't you think that the mere change to less caloric foods, less animal fats and proteins would have me shedding the pounds? I mean I used to eat egg and cheese breakfast tacos EVERY SINGLE DAY! and at least one cheeseburger a week. Nope...not a pound has shed. Needless to say, I'm feeling a wee bit dismayed with my choice to eliminate so many things from my diet with so little weight loss reslut to show for it. (and by little I mean NONE)
So Frank and I think it might have to do with a wheat allergy. YUCK. So now.. vegan AND gluten free? NFW! (Thats No Fuckin Way if you couldn't figure out the acronym) I simply can't do it. And for the last two weeks I've been craving eggs like its nobody's business..
To top all this off, Frank went camping and did a 20 mile hike in the wilderness last week and went off the wagon hard core by eating freeze dried beef stroganoff and lasagna. I remained strong. Then Last night I texted him to see what he wanted to do about dinner and what did he say " I don't know but I'm hungry for some dense protien!" You may be asking yourself "uh, El, What the hell is dense protien?" but thats just cause you don't understand how Frank talks. What he meant was " I WANT SOME DAMN ANIMAL PROTIEN". That was the final straw. So I offered up fish as an option. He Jumped at the chance...and off we went to Central Market.
We bought Sable which is super buttery white fish at $10.00 a pound cheaper than our favorite Sea Bass. We got little mexican grape tomotoes, organic garlic, Italian white wine, Olives, Caper Berries, Onions and Lemons (for the zest) and I went right to poaching us some fish. MMMMMM. Folks, I don't know if you know this, but...I used to be a chef. I miss food damnit . I miss cooking things with butter...I miss cream. Less the cream than the butter. I miss cheese. I miss eggs and I totally missed Fish!
I served this lovely flaky, buttery white fish poached in garlic wine and grape tomato broth over a bed of garlic sauteed spinach. We drank the wine I didn't use in the poaching and topped the whole dish off with a mince of olives, lemon zest, caper berries and parsley as well as the wine poached tomatoes. It was delicious. I feel great. Isn't it crazy that being bad now means eating poached fish with my veggies?!?!?! Fuck that. I can't feel guilty about poached Fucking Fish! On the other hand I'm not ready to give up my new found health and regularity by maowing down on a giant cheeseburger either. So I'm back on the vegan wagon Today.
I'm considering changing my status from Vegan to ...
Gluten Free, Lactose Intollerant, Organic Cage Free Ovo, Wild Caught Pescatarian. Look that shit up. Then come over for dinner. Mmmmmmmmm

I encourage feedback from all you vegans and non out there.

Friday, February 20, 2009

10 Reasons my Man Mate is Better Than Yours

Frank and I just discovered that our 5 year "anniversary" is coming up on the 22nd and so I'm compiling a list of what is the greatness of Frank, my man mate.

Lots of women spend lots of time (men too) complaining about their men. He never takes out the trash, he never remembers my birthday, I'm always picking up after him, he'd rather watch football than listen to me, he never takes me out to dinner...blah blah blah blah blah... the list could go on forever. Its at these times however that I, Ella the blaberfuckingmouth, sit silently. I may be mouthy but I try not to be hurtful and when others are complaining about their shitty partners, its just not nice to say.."yeah Honey, I hear ya. Have I told you lately how my man mate rocks?!" So for all the times I kept my trap shut here's why my man mate is better than yours.

  1. While your man forgot to buy you a gift for "insert important holiday here", my man mate MADE me a gift. Yes thats right, I said he MADE me a gift, from scratch. and not some stupid cardboard "hand made" card either. A REAL gift. One year he made me a giant cross on a chain. Not to wear around my neck but to hang on the wall. An actual real live piece of artwork, and its beautiful with each link hand welded. The following year he made me a silver ring, and it FIT.
  2. While your man refuses to take out the trash without you asking 15 times, my man remembers to leave money for the housekeeper, takes out the trash and the recycling AND packs me a lunch. He also helps cook dinner (he's an amazing chopper and loves to bread and roast mushrooms with garlic), organizes the yard, cleans oil off the driveway, does laundry (even if he doesn't fold it), stops at the bank, picks up groceries on the way home etc etc etc. He doesn't do all these things every day but y'all (You Guys if your from the N.E), my man is so not lazy. He's the best. I'm pretty sure I'da hung myself with my own rope already if it wasn't for him.
  3. While when you heard a noise coming from the kitchen late at night and after saying "honey, honey, honey" & tapping him on the shoulder 15 times your man opened one eye and said "Babe, it was nothing, go back to sleep", My man jumped up out of bed the second he heard me squeal in the bathroom over a giant roach. He got up, skillfully disposed of the creature and went back to bed without a complaint. He's also armed, so those bumps in the night have him throwing on his clothes and out the bedroom door before I can even notice. He checks the back yard and the front..sometimes even around the corners and in the closets. My man mate ain't no pussy, nor is he dismissive of my fears, and there fore I don't have to have any. Sleep tight Ella Love.
  4. There is a drip in your faucet, hole in your roof, thumping under your hood etc. 'insert maintenance problem here'. While your man ignores you, says "what was that again?", or tells you to call the plumberoofermechanicguy, my man can, and does fix the problem. If he doesn't know the immediate solution, he looks it up, but honestly I've never seen a damn thing Frank can't fix (sometimes not on the first try or even the fourth, but that shit gets done). He also bought a non running motorcycle from a guy and made it run again after never having fixed one before, changes the oil and the brakes in my car and pulled a piece of glass that was loged in my foot out without causing me an ounce of pain.
  5. When you decided to go on a diet your man kept bringing home cheeseburgers for himself while you ate lean cuisines. (BASTARD!) Frank my meat eating man mate, agreed to go vegan with me the first of this year. Again he never complains (except jokingly). Not only that, HE keeps ME on track by continually telling me we're doing the right thing. He only agreed to do it for the first quarter but now he's saying he thinks he might like to try it out a little longer, how do I feel about that? Aww honey.
  6. Your man gets jealous when the insurance salesman smiles at you for a second longer than he should, Frank and I live with my best friend and ex lover (male). In fact they are great friends. He's also fine with me having a girlfriend he doesn't get to have sex with. I'm not sure why this is. I guess Frank is pretty secure with himself and his place in my life, but even when his place wasn't as secure as it is now, he was totally cool. Its a good thing too cause Ella doesn't like to be caged! No way man.
  7. Your man is 29 and that college beer gut has expanded to his ass - Frank was in the best shape of his life at 35 and doing Jujitsu daily. When he was 38, at the drop of a hat, with no training at all, he hiked 15 miles under duress with a 45 pound pack on and completed scary physical chanllenges along the way. Whats even better is that NOW, after becoming vegan for 2 months, he's totally trim and taught. AKA HOT. (which is FAR more than I can say for myself)
  8. When you finally get to have sex with your husband, he's done in 3 minutes and you are left hangin. Frank, ever the gentleman, always lets me finish FIRST! He has this really incredible ability to "hold out", he can even do this really cool trick where he climaxes...but doesn't uh...make a mess. I realize this is pretty personal information but hey...when one is bragging...why stop at the boring stuff. In one of his careers Frank was doing R&D for a sex toy company so needless to say he's got a few tricks up his sleeve (or should I say down his pants? hmmmm) I'm a lucky lucky girl.
  9. While your man is fun with your friends, he can't tone it down around your family, or...the other way around...Your man is great with your family but with your friends hes a BORE - My man mate is alwasy the perfect date. The first time I took him to a house party, he gave the host a run for his money on his own pool table and stayed up all night charming ALL of my friends (including my BEST Friend/ Lover) Furthermore when my man met my mom (who hates everyone) he charmed her too. She now refers to him as "my Frank" As in "Hi Ella honey, How's my Frank doing?". My friends love him, my family loves him, perfect strangers love him. Frank is a man you can take ANYWHERE, to a concert, a club, church or your gyno. You can bring him to work or take him hiking. He'll get dirty and cleans up NICE. Ahh how refreshing.
  10. Your man plays football with his friends every Sunday or worse, just watches it - My man and I spend our Sundays together. Sometimes with friends, sometimes with out. Almost certainly there are no sports on. (Unless its the superbowl or we're at my mom's watching the Patriot's game) We do brunch, we go to the gun show, we do projects together, we catch a movie. The point is folks, my man and I get to spend some quality time together. He likes me and he shows it. I like him and he knows it. We have a blast together and apart but when it comes down to it. My man is there when I want him to be.
Alrighty then. As you can tell I could probably go on and on but lets take a moment and have a little reality check. OBVIOUSLY no one is perfect...Frank just happens to be perfect for me, and while he does have his flaws I can't remember what they are right now anyway.

Eat your heart out folks.
Love you Baby.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Vegan Penance Gone Gourmet

I chose to become a vegan for health purposes (well mainly, plus I don't dig eating fear and sorrow vibes or food contaminated with human vomit, urine or rotted animal parts)...but sometimes life as a vegan is not so healthy. For instance today I had an eeeeeeny weeeeeny tiny carb binge.
It started with a Taste No Evil Muffin Company Cran Breakfast muffin, which is my favorite (well it was until the arrival of the Rustic Chocolate Cherry Muffin anyway). Its loaded with good stuff like bran, flax, apples and cranberries. Super good for you right? So why the guilt?

Well, I followed the muffin with a rather large portion of leftover pasta that was loaded with olives (not low fat), sun dried tomatoes, olive oil(also not low fat) and a bunch of other veggies....this was a TWO person size portion that I was SUPPOSED to share with Frank..but scarfed the whole thing myself. No worries, I'll skip lunch.

Speaking of lunch, about an hour and a half after the pasta binge, my sweetest friend Heather called and said she was down south..
"Are you hungry?" she asked, to which I replied...
"Perpetually." It's the unfortunate truth.

So heather arrived with and I ate a GIANT portion of Pei Wei Tofu Pad Thai. Ugh. and as if that weren't enough I followed it up with the aforementioned Rustic Chocolate Cherry Muffin.
Yum. . . Ouch.

Folks, I was raised Catholic ok? I am no stranger to guilt. But I have learned I don't need church to solve my way ward energies....and I don't need Hail Mary's to do penance. Now I have a kitchen!

While I shouldn't be making dinner at all, I had to. I HAD to get some veggies in me (Plus I wanted to feed Frank)! and some protien...Just a tiny bit... and I HAD to prepare food for tomorrow cause stopping at a muffin shop everyday and eating not just one but TWO (did I mention I actually have another back up Choc. Cherry waiting for me for dessert? so OK THREE) muffins a day is just not cool.
Tonight and tomorrow both I will be partaking in this ever so delightful Roasted Beet and Quinoa Salad with Lime and Balsamic Reduction. Penance never tasted so good, or gourmet!
Eat your heart out.
So I don't have to.
PS. Ping me if you want the recipe


In brief...
Sometimes when I'm driving around I write entire blogs in my head. I'm so damn prolific, its amazing. I've got stuff on love, on politics, on sex, on friendship and on and on and on. AND THEN I get to my machine, my eyes glaze over and my mind goes blank.
You're welcome.

PS...Just because my mind goes blank, it doesn't mean I can't share this beautiful artwork that I discovered sitting in traffic on the Lamar St. pedestrian bridge with you. xo