10 Reasons my Man Mate is Better Than Yours

Frank and I just discovered that our 5 year "anniversary" is coming up on the 22nd and so I'm compiling a list of what is the greatness of Frank, my man mate.

Lots of women spend lots of time (men too) complaining about their men. He never takes out the trash, he never remembers my birthday, I'm always picking up after him, he'd rather watch football than listen to me, he never takes me out to dinner...blah blah blah blah blah... the list could go on forever. Its at these times however that I, Ella the blaberfuckingmouth, sit silently. I may be mouthy but I try not to be hurtful and when others are complaining about their shitty partners, its just not nice to say.."yeah Honey, I hear ya. Have I told you lately how my man mate rocks?!" So for all the times I kept my trap shut here's why my man mate is better than yours.

1. While your man forgot to buy you a gift for "insert important holiday here", my man mate MADE me a gift. Yes thats right, I said he MADE me a gift, from scratch. and not some stupid cardboard "hand made" card either. A REAL gift. One year he made me a giant cross on a chain. Not to wear around my neck but to hang on the wall. An actual real live piece of artwork, and its beautiful with each link hand welded. The following year he made me a silver ring, and it FIT.
   
2. While your man refuses to take out the trash without you asking 15 times, my man remembers to leave money for the housekeeper, takes out the trash and the recycling AND packs me a lunch. He also helps cook dinner (he's an amazing chopper and loves to bread and roast mushrooms with garlic), organizes the yard, cleans oil off the driveway, does laundry (even if he doesn't fold it), stops at the bank, picks up groceries on the way home etc etc etc. He doesn't do all these things every day but y'all (You Guys if your from the N.E), my man is so not lazy. He's the best. I'm pretty sure I'da hung myself with my own rope already if it wasn't for him.
3. While when you heard a noise coming from the kitchen late at night and after saying "honey, honey, honey" & tapping him on the shoulder 15 times your man opened one eye and said "Babe, it was nothing, go back to sleep", My man jumped up out of bed the second he heard me squeal in the bathroom over a giant roach. He got up, skillfully disposed of the creature and went back to bed without a complaint. He's also armed, so those bumps in the night have him throwing on his clothes and out the bedroom door before I can even notice. He checks the back yard and the front..sometimes even around the corners and in the closets. My man mate ain't no pussy, nor is he dismissive of my fears, and there fore I don't have to have any. Sleep tight Ella Love.
4. There is a drip in your faucet, hole in your roof, thumping under your hood etc. 'insert maintenance problem here'. While your man ignores you, says "what was that again?", or tells you to call the plumberoofermechanicguy, my man can, and does fix the problem. If he doesn't know the immediate solution, he looks it up, but honestly I've never seen a damn thing Frank can't fix (sometimes not on the first try or even the fourth, but that shit gets done). He also bought a non running motorcycle from a guy and made it run again after never having fixed one before, changes the oil and the brakes in my car and pulled a piece of glass that was loged in my foot out without causing me an ounce of pain.
5. When you decided to go on a diet your man kept bringing home cheeseburgers for himself while you ate lean cuisines. (BASTARD!) Frank my meat eating man mate, agreed to go vegan with me the first of this year. Again he never complains (except jokingly). Not only that, HE keeps ME on track by continually telling me we're doing the right thing. He only agreed to do it for the first quarter but now he's saying he thinks he might like to try it out a little longer, how do I feel about that? Aww honey.
6. Your man gets jealous when the insurance salesman smiles at you for a second longer than he should, Frank and I live with my best friend and ex lover (male). In fact they are great friends. He's also fine with me having a girlfriend he doesn't get to have sex with. I'm not sure why this is. I guess Frank is pretty secure with himself and his place in my life, but even when his place wasn't as secure as it is now, he was totally cool. Its a good thing too cause Ella doesn't like to be caged! No way man.
   
7. Your man is 29 and that college beer gut has expanded to his ass - Frank was in the best shape of his life at 35 and doing Jujitsu daily. When he was 38, at the drop of a hat, with no training at all, he hiked 15 miles under duress with a 45 pound pack on and completed scary physical chanllenges along the way. Whats even better is that NOW, after becoming vegan for 2 months, he's totally trim and taught. AKA HOT. (which is FAR more than I can say for myself)
8. When you finally get to have sex with your husband, he's done in 3 minutes and you are left hangin. Frank, ever the gentleman, always lets me finish FIRST! He has this really incredible ability to "hold out", he can even do this really cool trick where he climaxes...but doesn't uh...make a mess. I realize this is pretty personal information but hey...when one is bragging...why stop at the boring stuff. In one of his careers Frank was doing R&D for a sex toy company so needless to say he's got a few tricks up his sleeve (or should I say down his pants? hmmmm) I'm a lucky lucky girl.
9. While your man is fun with your friends, he can't tone it down around your family, or...the other way around...Your man is great with your family but with your friends hes a BORE - My man mate is alwasy the perfect date. The first time I took him to a house party, he gave the host a run for his money on his own pool table and stayed up all night charming ALL of my friends (including my BEST Friend/ Lover) Furthermore when my man met my mom (who hates everyone) he charmed her too. She now refers to him as "my Frank" As in "Hi Ella honey, How's my Frank doing?". My friends love him, my family loves him, perfect strangers love him. Frank is a man you can take ANYWHERE, to a concert, a club, church or your gyno. You can bring him to work or take him hiking. He'll get dirty and cleans up NICE. Ahh how refreshing.
10. Your man plays football with his friends every Sunday or worse, just watches it - My man and I spend our Sundays together. Sometimes with friends, sometimes with out. Almost certainly there are no sports on. (Unless its the superbowl or we're at my mom's watching the Patriot's game) We do brunch, we go to the gun show, we do projects together, we catch a movie. The point is folks, my man and I get to spend some quality time together. He likes me and he shows it. I like him and he knows it. We have a blast together and apart but when it comes down to it. My man is there when I want him to be.

Alrighty then. As you can tell I could probably go on and on but lets take a moment and have a little reality check. OBVIOUSLY no one is perfect...Frank just happens to be perfect for me, and while he does have his flaws I can't remember what they are right now anyway.

Eat your heart out folks.
Love you Baby.
xo
El

Vegan Penance Gone Gourmet

I chose to become a vegan for health purposes (well mainly, plus I don't dig eating fear and sorrow vibes or food contaminated with human vomit, urine or rotted animal parts)...but sometimes life as a vegan is not so healthy. For instance today I had an eeeeeeny weeeeeny tiny carb binge.
It started with a Taste No Evil Muffin Company Cran Breakfast muffin, which is my favorite (well it was until the arrival of the Rustic Chocolate Cherry Muffin anyway). Its loaded with good stuff like bran, flax, apples and cranberries. Super good for you right? So why the guilt?

Well, I followed the muffin with a rather large portion of leftover pasta that was loaded with olives (not low fat), sun dried tomatoes, olive oil(also not low fat) and a bunch of other veggies....this was a TWO person size portion that I was SUPPOSED to share with Frank..but scarfed the whole thing myself. No worries, I'll skip lunch.

Speaking of lunch, about an hour and a half after the pasta binge, my sweetest friend Heather called and said she was down south..
"Are you hungry?" she asked, to which I replied...
"Perpetually." It's the unfortunate truth.

So heather arrived with and I ate a GIANT portion of Pei Wei Tofu Pad Thai. Ugh. and as if that weren't enough I followed it up with the aforementioned Rustic Chocolate Cherry Muffin.
Yum. . . Ouch.

Folks, I was raised Catholic ok? I am no stranger to guilt. But I have learned I don't need church to solve my way ward energies....and I don't need Hail Mary's to do penance. Now I have a kitchen!

While I shouldn't be making dinner at all, I had to. I HAD to get some veggies in me (Plus I wanted to feed Frank)! and some protien...Just a tiny bit... and I HAD to prepare food for tomorrow cause stopping at a muffin shop everyday and eating not just one but TWO (did I mention I actually have another back up Choc. Cherry waiting for me for dessert? so OK THREE) muffins a day is just not cool.
Tonight and tomorrow both I will be partaking in this ever so delightful Roasted Beet and Quinoa Salad with Lime and Balsamic Reduction. Penance never tasted so good, or gourmet!
Eat your heart out.
So I don't have to.
xo
Ella
PS. Ping me if you want the recipe

Driving

In brief...
Sometimes when I'm driving around I write entire blogs in my head. I'm so damn prolific, its amazing. I've got stuff on love, on politics, on sex, on friendship and on and on and on. AND THEN I get to my machine, my eyes glaze over and my mind goes blank.
You're welcome.
Love,
Ella

PS...Just because my mind goes blank, it doesn't mean I can't share this beautiful artwork that I discovered sitting in traffic on the Lamar St. pedestrian bridge with you. xo

In honor of my upcoming esteemed guest..

I got this in my email. I'm not much of a "re poster", "send this out to all your friendser", or in any other way fill up your inbox with stupid shit you are too busy to care about-er.
Instead I'll post it here for your enjoyment, and since my tits are swollen up to the size of personal size watermelons, it seemed apropos..
You're welcome!

Always Maxi Pads
This is SUPPOSEDLY an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. I couldn't care less if its real or not. Its hillarious, and if it isn't real, it should be.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

YEAH WENDY!!!

Fucking Disqusting - Crazy Scary World

My friend Karisa Posted this link on her facebook page just a few minutes ago.
I don't think I can properly express the way it made me feel. but I'm gonnna try. Sorry about the language. Its the only way.
So the background is this. A man is pulled over for a speeding ticket, which he refuses to sign, at which point the officer arrests him. The guy, obviously shocked, as you probably would be too, starts freaking out when the cuffs go on him. He drops to his knees and starts crying.
He's not near the street. He's not cussing. He's not being violent. He's not threatening the police officer. He's just upset and he won't get up and get into the police car. He's scared. I woulda been scared too.
Being a small female, I'm always afraid to get pulled over by the police, especially on a dark deserted highway. It totally terrifies me. Anyhow so the guy is just upset and crying...and the cop tells him to get in the police car...he refuses..the cop tells the man he 's going to Taze him. He says " I don't care anymore, go ahead". and the cop does. over and over and over....
Its awful. The full video is apparently 7 minutes long...but i can't find it online so here's the link to the one from the associated press.


I don't know what to say. The man took the cops to court saying that it was unreasonalbe force and won...but then lost on appeal..its now going to the supreme court.
It sickens me to think someone would find this reasonable. The guy did nothing. If the cop felt threatened he could have just held the guy there, and called for back up. The man did NOTHING threatening.
So next time you get a ticket...just accept it right? FUCK NO! OMG. Next thing you know you're not gonna have to do anything at all. Speeding and you get arrested and FUCKING Tasered?!?!?!?!
Refuse to sign a ticket and you get FUCKING TASERED? AKA...TORTURED...AKA ABUSED! Fuck that. I'm so upset. I think its ridiculous. I'm terrified of the police state socialist bullshit this country is headed for. What in the HELL are we gonna do?
I'm gonna go vomit now.
El.

Skinny Bitch

Chapter 1: Itty Bitty
So... I'm a pretty small person (Five foot two). However, I used to be significantly smaller and I'm not sure what happened. Well, ok, I have a pretty good Idea what happened actually. I'm almost certain it has something to do with being 30 something, not working out and working in a bakery. All that aside, I miss my collar bones, my hip bones, my 4 pack abs and the 17 pairs of size 6 jeans I have that used to fit me. On top of all that, this new foray into being thicker is making me realize just how vain I really am and its making me a wee bit cranky.

Chapter 2: A picture of health
I don't have allergies, I never get the flu shot, or the flu. I don't have a single cavity in any of my 30 remaining teeth (I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled out). I have never broken any bones or had any organs removed....all in all... I'm a picture of health. Or at least I was...until I went through this crazy party phase when I turned 30.

Chapter 3: Party like its 1999
My wife of seven years (Corporate Bitch Barbie) dumped me! Soooooo . . .Genius that I am, I popped a bunch of diet pills to keep me up at night, drank gallons of beer and slept with a plethora of beautiful babes conveniently delivered to me by my best friend and bedmate Leo. I ended up with the flu that year. And a yeast infection that never really entirely went away. (ew. gross, I know) This should've been a simple problem to fix however, it doesn't seem to be as simple as it looks. I've tried wholistic remedies, anti fungals, anti biotics, refraining from sex, refraining from sugar, refraining from drinking....and so forth. Still ... the damned thing just keeps coming back, and now...I have a weird little fungal rash on my belly to boot. (I'm blaming the yeast - its gone systemic)

Chapter 4: 2009 will find a cure.
I decided to do the candida diet starting January first to fix all my woes. This is the craziest diet on earth. You basically can't eat anything but organic vegetables, brown rice and well...yeah thats pretty much it. Including condiments (no soy sauce, no vinegar, no... well, no-nothing) and no wine. This is supposed to give your body the chance to recover and heal itself. Some say it could take up to three years.....WTF!!!!????.

Chapter 5: Skinny Bitch
So for Christmas I told my family PLEASE don't buy me any clothes. I already don't fit in the clothes I've got and I refuse to ask for larger sizes. From my sister, instead of clothes, I got a book. The book is called Skinny Bitch...which my sister now affectionately refers to as "Skinny B". So I read Skinny B on the plane ride home and was completely compelled, convinced and otherwise connived into becoming a skinny b myself. Its a good read. I highly recommend it. These ladies have a real no nonsense way of laying out how they think you should live your life, and as it turns out, they think you should be VEGAN! WHAT?!?!?! I know. However..compared to the Candida diet, this one looked like a cinch, AND since the book is called Skinny B, I just knew eliminating animal products like meat, cream, cheese and butter would make me thin. ( I was half way health nutted out already - aside from my brief totally detrimental party period) I decided the ladies were right and I would put off the Candida thing and try out the Skinny B thing....I decided to give it the first quarter of 2009.

**Side note - animal products and refined sugar turn your body acidic allowing disease, fungus and bacteria to grow. Fruit & vegetables turn your body alkaline and DO NOT allow bacteria to grow. I assumed becoming vegan would assist in eliminating the yeast for this reason.

Additionally I was already totally disgusted by large factory farming practices and trying to eat organic to avoid eating contaminated, cruel foods.
So I'm not doing this JUST to be skinny**

Chapter 6: Reality Bites
I've been Vegan since January 1. I haven't cheated. I haven't lost a single pound and I have a fucking yeast infection again. I think the book should be renamed "over the top, lying, vegan bitches".

Chapter 7: The Upside
On a more possitive note...I am more regular, I am less hungry, I just started doing yoga again and I still have hope. (and two more months left in the first quarter) My boyfriend, Frank the Saint, says we're doing the right thing. (he joined me in my crusade, primarily to be supportive I think)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for reading,
Ella