Skinny Bitch

Chapter 1: Itty Bitty
So... I'm a pretty small person (Five foot two). However, I used to be significantly smaller and I'm not sure what happened. Well, ok, I have a pretty good Idea what happened actually. I'm almost certain it has something to do with being 30 something, not working out and working in a bakery. All that aside, I miss my collar bones, my hip bones, my 4 pack abs and the 17 pairs of size 6 jeans I have that used to fit me. On top of all that, this new foray into being thicker is making me realize just how vain I really am and its making me a wee bit cranky.

Chapter 2: A picture of health
I don't have allergies, I never get the flu shot, or the flu. I don't have a single cavity in any of my 30 remaining teeth (I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled out). I have never broken any bones or had any organs removed....all in all... I'm a picture of health. Or at least I was...until I went through this crazy party phase when I turned 30.

Chapter 3: Party like its 1999
My wife of seven years (Corporate Bitch Barbie) dumped me! Soooooo . . .Genius that I am, I popped a bunch of diet pills to keep me up at night, drank gallons of beer and slept with a plethora of beautiful babes conveniently delivered to me by my best friend and bedmate Leo. I ended up with the flu that year. And a yeast infection that never really entirely went away. (ew. gross, I know) This should've been a simple problem to fix however, it doesn't seem to be as simple as it looks. I've tried wholistic remedies, anti fungals, anti biotics, refraining from sex, refraining from sugar, refraining from drinking....and so forth. Still ... the damned thing just keeps coming back, and now...I have a weird little fungal rash on my belly to boot. (I'm blaming the yeast - its gone systemic)

Chapter 4: 2009 will find a cure.
I decided to do the candida diet starting January first to fix all my woes. This is the craziest diet on earth. You basically can't eat anything but organic vegetables, brown rice and well...yeah thats pretty much it. Including condiments (no soy sauce, no vinegar, no... well, no-nothing) and no wine. This is supposed to give your body the chance to recover and heal itself. Some say it could take up to three years.....WTF!!!!????.

Chapter 5: Skinny Bitch
So for Christmas I told my family PLEASE don't buy me any clothes. I already don't fit in the clothes I've got and I refuse to ask for larger sizes. From my sister, instead of clothes, I got a book. The book is called Skinny Bitch...which my sister now affectionately refers to as "Skinny B". So I read Skinny B on the plane ride home and was completely compelled, convinced and otherwise connived into becoming a skinny b myself. Its a good read. I highly recommend it. These ladies have a real no nonsense way of laying out how they think you should live your life, and as it turns out, they think you should be VEGAN! WHAT?!?!?! I know. However..compared to the Candida diet, this one looked like a cinch, AND since the book is called Skinny B, I just knew eliminating animal products like meat, cream, cheese and butter would make me thin. ( I was half way health nutted out already - aside from my brief totally detrimental party period) I decided the ladies were right and I would put off the Candida thing and try out the Skinny B thing....I decided to give it the first quarter of 2009.

**Side note - animal products and refined sugar turn your body acidic allowing disease, fungus and bacteria to grow. Fruit & vegetables turn your body alkaline and DO NOT allow bacteria to grow. I assumed becoming vegan would assist in eliminating the yeast for this reason.

Additionally I was already totally disgusted by large factory farming practices and trying to eat organic to avoid eating contaminated, cruel foods.
So I'm not doing this JUST to be skinny**

Chapter 6: Reality Bites
I've been Vegan since January 1. I haven't cheated. I haven't lost a single pound and I have a fucking yeast infection again. I think the book should be renamed "over the top, lying, vegan bitches".

Chapter 7: The Upside
On a more possitive note...I am more regular, I am less hungry, I just started doing yoga again and I still have hope. (and two more months left in the first quarter) My boyfriend, Frank the Saint, says we're doing the right thing. (he joined me in my crusade, primarily to be supportive I think)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for reading,
Ella